


Clash of Egos

by The Auld Triangle (Sir_Thopas)



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Humor, Kink Meme, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2491535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sir_Thopas/pseuds/The%20Auld%20Triangle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a collection of various drabbles and mini-fills that I completed for Avengerkink. Expect many pairings, some racy stuff, some not-so-racy stuff. Mostly humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Clash of Egos (Thor/Tony)

"Fifteen!" Thor announced proudly.

Tony and Natasha looked at each other in alarm. "What unit of measure does Asgard use?" Tony demanded. "Because I've got to tell you, that doesn't like a good time for anybody."

"That would make your dick longer than my forearm." Natasha sounded terrified. "Is Dr. Foster a mutant? Does she stretch like Mr. Fantastic? Because I'm not seeing how this could possibly work."

Thor looked affronted by the very thought. "Of course not, my Jane has no need for such feats of power. She has the spirit of a warrior and an intellect far greater than your own, Man of Iron."

Tony narrowed his eyes up at the great blond behemoth. Those were fighting words.

"Maybe we should trade in you for her," Natasha stage-whispered to him.

Tony ignored her. He was going to settle this once and for all. "Show us."

"Show you?"

"Take out your dick and show us. Come on, big guy, you started this little competition. Prove it."

Thor crossed his arms and leaned forward, towering above his shorter teammates. "Remove your own trousers. Unless Lady Pepper has forced you to wear an iron braies in order to safeguard your chastity. An iron braies for the Iron Man!"

"No iron boxers, but there is an iron rod-"

"Okay!" Natasha cut him off. "You have reached your iron-related pun quota for the day, Tony. Now, both of you, take off your pants. I'll be the judge."

Tony threw her a salacious grin. "Because you have nothing to gain from this."

"I'll have you know I am an excellent judge of dicks. I am a dick surveyor for the city of Dicktopia."

Tony and Thor gave each other knowing glances and dropped their trousers. Natasha hummed as she compared the two, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Well, Thor seems normal enough. Whatever unit of measure Asgardians use is not inches. Still... I think the only way to get an accurate reading is if you're both erect. Why don't you jerk each other off while I take notes?"


	2. Natasha Never Misses (Natasha/Steve)

It was only a matter of seconds before the lights flickered back on. The look on Fury's face alone was enough to make the Avengers yearn for the darkness again.

"Who. Did. That?" His calm, terrifyingly so. Like there was no other emotion left inside him except cold rage.

"Who did what, sir?" Clint hesitantly asked.

"WHO THE FUCK JUST SMACKED ME ON THE ASS?!"

For a moment there was total silence as the Avengers glanced around at each other nervously.

"I WANT A NAME AND I WANT IT NOW BEFORE I THROW ALL OF YOU OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKING HELLICARRIER!"

Natasha snorted and folded her arms. "It was probably Tony."

"What?!" Tony squeaked. "Wha- No! NO! Why would you- NO!"

"It does sound like something you would do," Steve said, his voice dripping with disappointment.

Tony held up his hands to stop Fury's advancing charge. "I didn't do it. My hands were nowhere near you... They were down Bruce's pants the entire time."

"Wait..." Bruce stated. "That was you?"

"What do you mean, 'That was you?' Who else would it be?" Tony demanded. "Not that I'm admitting that going around and violating random people during blackouts is 'something I would do'. I'll have you know I have a standing invitation to shove my hands down Bruce's pants any time I want."

"ENOUGH! I want you all to leave right now and I do not want to see you again for at least a month. Now get out!" Fury snapped, before stomping back to his desk.

The Avengers quickly fled. Steve pulled Natasha away from the others as they headed for the Quinjet, oblivious to the Captain's harried whispers. "I was standing right next to you," Steve hissed. "How could you possibly have missed?"

"Who said I missed?" Natasha demanded, giving his ass a slap as she pushed past him. The resounding smack echoed in the hall.

Steve laughed and shook his head before following her.


	3. Wagging Tongues (Steve/Pepper)

Tony slumped in his chair, his eyes riveted to the drop of coffee hanging precariously from the rim of a mug. The man holding it didn't even seem to notice. Tony wondered if it would be too creepy to just run his tongue over the cup. Pepper was currently holding his hand-built, one-of-a-kind coffee maker hostage until he got through with all of his meetings like a good little boy. It sat there on her desk, looking so pitiful and lonely. Tony just wanted to take it in his arms and cradle it and promise to never let the mean lady kidnap it again.

Tony tried to ignore the throbbing of his caffeine-deprived brain and focus on what Pepper was actually saying. Because there would probably be a quiz afterwards. That's when he noticed something was off. She looked flushed and almost uncomfortable, constantly shifting in her seat and making the wheels of her chair squeak rhythmically... Tony's eyes widened and as he sat up straight, a sudden realization ringing through his head. He knew that look: the bright red blush on her neck, the wild and glassy sheen to her eyes, the way she kept biting her lip. Now that he thought about, he remembered Steve trying to talk to him in the lobby. He thought he might have heard the man say something about going to see Pepper in her office before the meeting started, but to be honest Tony hadn't been paying attention. He had been too busy trying to con an underling out of his coffee.

Tony was sure Steve would have said goodbye to him if he had left, that's just the kind of guy Steve was. But he hadn't. Which meant he was probably still here. And Tony would bet his suit that he was under the desk of one Ms Pepper Potts.

"We should send... what's her name... Margaret something... to handle the German contract," Tony suddenly announced, causing every eye to shift towards him.

"I'm assuming you're referring to Margaret Sanchez," Pepper replied. "She doesn't have the experience needed for such an assignment."

"Yes, but she's a rather cunning linguist. I'm sure she could charm the pants - or skirts - off of anyone with that silver tongue of hers. Besides, Pep, you shouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything. You're the CEO now. We're here on our knees to serve you."

Pepper narrowed her eyes dangerously. She had been his friend for too long to miss the blatant innuendos he was throwing out. Steve must have picked up on them too because the constant squeaking stopped. "We've taken care of most the things on our agenda today," she stated, her voice low and icy. "I think we can safely say this meeting is over."

"Oh, good," Tony said. "I need to get back to the lab. You dragged me out for this meeting while I was mid- _thrust_ in other matters."

"Tony, you stay."

Like he was going to leave just when things were starting to get good.

Steve peeked out from underneath her desk as soon as the last investor closed the door behind them. His face was a peculiar shade of scarlet that Tony had never actually seen in nature before; he was honestly worried the man was going to have a heart attack. "Hey, good for you," Tony assured him. "Pepper would never let me do that. Although I am curious as to how you convinced her to let you. I bet it was your cock. Was it his cock, Pep? It's okay, you can tell me, I won't be jealous. I've seen it. It's very impressive. It is scientifically enhanced after all. Pep, what are you doing with my coffee maker? Pepper? Pepper! Stooooooop...."


	4. Hipster Heroes (Gen)

Nick Fury glared at the so-called superheroes assembled before him. He knew he should have never agreed to let them set up base in Stark's tower. Without proper guidance - and proper *fear* - of course his group of superpowered assholes would pull a stunt like this.

Seated before him were the Avengers dressed up like they were comic book superheroes instead of the elite fighting squad they were.

"Sir," 'Superman' began, but Fury raised a hand to cut him off.

"I don't want to hear it, Rogers. I expected something like this from Stark-"

"I don't know a Stark," a deep, gravelly voice punctured the air. "I'm the goddamn Batman."

"But I expected better from a soldier, not to mention my own agents." He turned to glare at the 'Green Arrow' and 'Black Canary'. Barton and Romanov looked completely unapologetic.

"To be fair, we didn't *intend* to fight Loki dressed like this," Banner explained, holding on to the remains of his Atom costume. "We were going to a convention."

Thor nodded. "Verily. This costume is far too flimsy to provide any sort of protection in battle." He gestured to the Wonder Woman one-piece that he was wearing, complete with tiara and arm braces. Of course the Asgardian would want to dress up as the Greek warrior princess.

"Whatever, just take that ironic shit off!"

 

... With apologies to Kate Beaton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the Kate Beaton comic "WWII Hipster Battalion" - http://www.harkavagrant.com/?id=266


	5. Spiderlings (Clint/Natasha)

Clint smiled slightly and buried his head into his pillow as he felt Natasha move against him. There had always been this _thing_  between him but after so long he hadn’t really thought anything would come of it. But then they had finally – finally – come together after the last battle. Just out of the blue. She had run up to him, asking if he was alright, but before he could say anything she pulled him down by his hair and kissed him hard. Primal. It had been perfect.  
  
“OW! Jesus, what the fuck?!” Clint wrenched his eyes open and flung out his arm the moment he felt teeth sink deep into his skin. Not cute little love bites, but actual _biting_. Clint stared at his arm at horror at the pricks of blood welling up from the perfect crescent-shaped punctures.  
  
Natasha looked up at him from where he had accidentally knocked her onto the floor. “Look, I can’t help it okay?” She snapped. Natasha was clearly embarrassed; this was a surprise. She hardly ever displayed her emotions so openly. “If you want to be with me then there are some things you’re just going to have to deal with. I promise to try really hard not to eat you again.”  
  
With that Natasha pulled a sheet of the bed, wrapping it around herself before striding from the room without looking back. Clint could only stare after her in disbelief. What the hell just happened?

 

* * *

 

“Damn it, Tony,” Pepper grumbled to herself as she picked up dirty mugs that Tony had left lying in his lab. Tony could get downright paranoid about his projects and forbade any cleaning service from stepping inside his lab and since Tony himself wasn’t actually going to pick up his messes, that left Pepper. She wrinkled her nose and held the plates as far away from her as possible. They were starting to grow mold. At least, she hoped they were just dirty mugs and not some sort of culture Tony and Bruce were growing.  
  
Pepper dumped the mugs with the others that needed to be taken upstairs when she noticed cobwebs near the vents. Grumbling to herself, she snatched up a rag from one of the tables and pushed a chair up against the wall. Teetering precariously on too high heels, she began to swat at the web, noticing that it seemed to be spilling out of the vent.  
  
Pepper quickly unscrewed the cover from the wall, fully prepared to squish whatever hapless spider had decided to make their home in Tony Stark’s lab. She shrieked when she came face to face with what looked to be a large white egg sac that was bigger than her head.  
  
“Oomf!” Pepper found herself flying off of the chair and landing flat on her back against the floor. Natasha was straddling her waist and pressing a knife to her throat. “Na-Natasha? It’s me… Pepper… not Loki or a Russia spy or anything like that…. Please don’t kill me…”  
  
“Never come here again,” Natasha hissed and within seconds she was crawling back into the vent and hunching over the egg sac protectively. Pepper all but ran out of the lab, nearly breaking her heel in her attempt to get away from the crazed Russian assassin as fast as humanely possible.  
  
Tony only looked up at the sight of his haggard girlfriend, putting down his tablet. Pepper was breathing hard, a hand clutching her chest. “You must have ran into Natasha,” he said lightly. “Don’t take it personally. Hormones and all that… lady spider stuff. We should totally throw her a baby shower.”

 

* * *

  
    
Natasha grinned and bounced on the balls of her feet as she watched her precious babies pushing their way out of their eggs. This was it, the big day. She was going to be a new mother. She cooed at them, whispering sweetly as the human-spider hybrids tumbled out and opened their sleepy little eyes. Twelve little spiderlings in all. They were all so beautiful, especially the one that looked like Clint.  
   
Despite barely being a minute old, they looked roughly to be ten years of age. Human infants were ridiculous; they were completely helpless and dependent on their parents. They couldn’t even run away if a predator was chasing them! Humans  had to spend years taking care of their offspring before they could do even to most basic of tasks. It was a wonder the human species ever survived this long. Natasha began handing out clothes and shoes for her precious babies as they stood up and began to test their new legs.  
  
“Now, I want you all to know that Mommy loves you dearly,” Natasha began. “But there’s only enough room here for one spider. I’ll give you a thirty minute head start. If you’re not out of the tower by then, well… let’s just say you’ll be staying for dinner.”


	6. Not the Only God (Gen)

Thor gently cradled Natasha’s broken and bleeding body to his chest as the others finished off the rest of the mechanical enemies that had besieged the city. He clutched at her and sobbed out his grief, taking little comfort in the knowledge that she had died valiantly as a warrior should and that he would see her again one day in Valhalla. He was only dimly aware of the other Avengers as they came to stand next to him where he was kneeling on the ground.  
  
“Hurry up, you big faker,” Clint grumbled, lightly kicking the lifeless body of their fallen comrade with the toe of his boot.  
  
Thor reacted before he even knew what he was doing. He seized Clint’s ankle in a vice-like grip and glared up at the archer through his tears with a look of utter loathing. “You will be respectful, mortal,” he growled out. “I will not have you desecrate the body of a great warrior.”  
  
Clint held up his hands as he balanced precariously on one foot. Thor could see the fear on his face and squeezed harder. “Okay, okay!” Clint yelped. “Whatever you say! This is… this is starting to hurt now, Thor.”  
  
Steve gently laid a hand on Thor’s shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding. It’s going to be okay.”  
  
Thor turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Normally, I’d kick your ass for holding me like a baby, but… Has anyone told you that you have really nice arms?”  
  
Thor nearly dropped what he had thought had been a corpse. Natasha smirked up at him, alive and well, her wounds miraculously healed. “I feel like we should be on the cover of a romance novel,” she said, patting him lightly on the bicep to signal for him to let her down now.  
  
Thor did so as carefully as he could, still unable to believe that she was truly alive. But she jumped up on to her feet as though nothing had happened. Steve nodded, with a look on his face that said 'business as usual'. “Alright, everyone, now that Natasha’s back with us, let’s get back to S.H.I.E.L.D. for debriefing.”  
  
Thor trailed behind the others as they let out a collective groan. Something strange was going on with his Midgardian friends and he wanted to know what it was.

 

* * *

 

“Oh my god, Natasha… is that your dad?” Tony demanded as they entered the debriefing room to see a tall, swarthy looking man in black armor. He held a helmet under one arm and was glaring down Nick Fury as though completely unimpressed by him. A woman wearing a green, Grecian-style dress and a garland of flowers was seated nearby at the conference table, looking exasperated by the whole exchange.  
  
Natasha took one look at the scene and made a quick pivot. She began to walk - briskly, almost _fleeing_ \- out of the room. Clint blocked her exit, however, and grabbed her by the shoulders. He spun her around and frog marched back towards the table. “You can’t leave now,” he mocked in a sing-song voice. “Not when your mom and dad have come all this way.”  
  
“When I kill you,” she whispered. “You won’t come back.”  
  
“You have to catch me first!”  
  
“Natalia!” The woman in green called out as she rushed over, enveloping her daughter in a tight hug. “How are you? Have you been doing all right? You look so pale! I bet it’s all this American food you’ve been eating. I don’t won’t to hear you’ve been skipping meals! Did you get the dresses your grandma made you? I know you said you don’t like pink, but it looks so good on you. Give us a kiss, sweetie!”  
  
Natasha sighed and dutifully gave her mother a peck on the cheek while Clint and Tony laughed themselves into a fit. Thor managed to catch Steve’s eye and the other man grinned and mouthed ‘That’s so sweet’ to him.  
  
“You see,” Fury said as he gestured to Natasha. “Your daughter is fine.”  
  
“Of course she is fine _now_ ,” the man growled. “I’m the one who opened the Gates. But this is what? The sixth time she has been killed while working for _you_? Did Tisiphone teach you nothing?”  
  
“Sir, we are not here to discuss my mother,” Fury snapped back, barely holding on to his anger.  
  
Thor stood up a little straighter at that name. He knew it, he was sure, but he couldn’t remember where exactly. Remembering names and places had always been Loki’s job, but then… Well, Thor supposed he had to do the remembering for himself now on.  
  
“And this,” the man gestured at the Avengers. “Is the team you assembled? No wonder my Natalia keeps dying. She doesn’t have any decent back-up!”  
  
At that Steve stepped up to defend his team. “Sir, we did everything we could-“  
  
The man sneered. “I’m sure you did and isn’t that the problem? That your best still isn’t good enough?”  
  
“No one can know the outcome of a battle!” Thor interjected. “And your daughter fought… and died, possibly, I'm not sure… like a true warrior!”  
  
That seemed to mollify the man some. “And you are the Asgardian?” He asked.  
  
“Yes, I am Thor Odinsson." Thor nodded his head and beamed.  
  
The man rolled his eyes. “Not another thunder god.”  
  
Thor had gotten many reactions when he told people his true name and origin. Awe and disbelief being the most common, but no one had ever looked _bored_. “Is there something wrong with that?” He asked.  
  
“Of course not,” the man replied. “I’m sure you’re a valuable member to this team despite your handicap. Rogers’ father was the son of a thunder god and he still managed to accomplish something during his mortal life despite being an idiot.”  
  
Steve stepped forward, his entire body tense with anger. “My father. Is not. An idiot.” He ground out.

The man waved him off. “My brother is an idiot, his son is an idiot, and I’m sure you’re an idiot. A genetic flaw, but then it seems that most of your teammates are afflicted by undesirable traits passed on by their parents. Just look at Stark here. He’s a whore who likes to start wars. Almost a chip off the old block.”  
  
“For the last time,” Tony groaned. “My mom did not start the Trojan War! That was Eris! And I’m pretty sure Hera and Athena weren’t completely innocent either.” He paused for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. “I _am_ kind of a whore though.”  
  
“Tony, no.” Bruce shook his head. “I don’t like it when you talk about yourself like that.”  
  
Tony grinned and stepped closer to Bruce. Not for the first Thor realized just how lovely his comrade was. It was strange. He had never been attracted to men before, but sometimes Tony had a way about him that made it hard to look away. “That’s because you’re my friend and you think only the best of me even if it’s not true.”  
  
Bruce grinned and blushed. But then, just as suddenly, he shook his head as though coming back to himself. “Stop it,” he warned. “What did I tell you about doing that?”  
  
“Only in the lab?”  
  
“You wish.”  
  
“Banner, you're not exempt from this," the man continued. "Your father was also prone to conducting dubious experiments. If I recall correctly, he was struck down by Zeus's thunderbolt for his trouble."  
  
Bruce shrugged, nonchalant by the man's derisive attitude. “I'm fairly certain the Hulk wouldn't even notice something as insignificant as that."  
  
“Dad,” Natasha broke in. Her normally hard voice was tempered with exasperated affection. “I get what you’re trying to do. You're worried about me, but this is my job. This is my team. This is _family_. I will not let you treat my team and my cousins like this. My job is dangerous and I know that’s scary for you and Mom, but this attitude isn’t helping. This is the reason why nobody invites you anywhere.”  
  
The man folded his arms and huffed. “I just don’t like the idea of you going out into battles with a less than competent team looking out for you.”  
  
“I couldn’t have asked for a better team,” Natasha replied. “Now… go home. You’re embarrassing and should not be out in public.”  
  
“Fine. But here, take my helmet at least.” The man thrust the helmet into Natasha’s arms and gave her a brief hug before the woman pushed him out of the way to cling to her daughter once more.  
  
“I’ll see you soon, sweetie,” she cooed. “And be sure to check the mail when you get home. Grandma sent you some whole wheat cookies.”  
  
Natasha sighed and patted her mother on the back with one arm while still awkwardly holding onto her father’s helmet. The moment the woman pulled away she vanished into thin air along with the man.  
  
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Natasha groused.  
  
“Who was that?” Thor asked Bruce on their way out.  
  
Bruce looked surprised. “You don’t know? That was Hades and Persephone, the King and Queen of the Underworld.”

 

* * *

 

“So, Tony’s parents are Aphrodite and Hephaestus?” Thor asked as the Avengers entered Stark Tower. “And Clint's mother and… mother is Artemis and Callisto?”  
  
Bruce nodded. “Yes, and Steve’s parents are Hercules and Hebe, the goddess of youth.”  
  
“I know the name Hercules!” Thor cried, happy to finally recognize one of these Midgardian gods. “My father Odin often told me of the Twelve Labors when I was a child. It was my favorite story.”  
  
Steve nodded and smiled. “It was mine too.”  
  
Thor frowned and turned back to Bruce. “But what of your parents?”  
  
“My mother is Epione, goddess of soothing, and my father is Asclepius. Officially he’s known as the god of healing, but well… I wouldn’t know.”  
  
“Ah,” Thor mumbled, but said no more. There were some things he learned not to speak about when in the presence of certain Avengers and this was apparently one of them.  
  
“Well, this has been absolutely mortifying and all,” Natasha said. “But I think I’m going to leave you guys to it.” With that she placed the helmet on her head and vanished.  
  
“Oh god,” Clint breathed. “She could be anywhere now. She’s probably lying in wait somewhere, waiting until we’re at our most vulnerable. Probably in one of our bathrooms.”  
  
“In that case I’m going to make sure I masturbate when I take a shower tonight,” Tony said. “You know, just in case.”  
  
“Like you ever needed a reason to before,” Bruce pointed out.  
  
Clint shivered melodramatically and opened up the front door that they had just walked through. “She must be feeling pretty humiliated right now after that thing with her parents. She’s going to want to let off some steam. I'm not sticking around for that. Besides, I promised my moms I’d go with them to some LGBT thing. You guys can be her victims if you want, but I am out of here.” With that Clint transformed into a large hawk and flew out of the building.  
  
Steve clapped Thor’s shoulder as they watched him fly away. “So, how are you taking all of this?” Steve asked.  
  
“I liked it better when I was the only god here. It made me feel special.”


	7. Math Buddies (Gen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crossover with Doctor Who.

“Here’s your tea.”  
  
Tony blinked down at the cup of tea that now sat squarely on top of the paperwork Pepper had given him. “What is this? I asked for coffee.”  
  
“You already had six cups,” Donna explained. “Any more and you get all…” She waved her fingers in a frantic motion in front of her face. “Jittery and weird.”  
  
Tony glared at her from across his plainer, much smaller office (and he was going to get back at Pepper for that, just wait). This was insubordination, that’s what it was. If Donna wasn’t a living, breathing super-calculator he would have fired her months ago (or, well, have Pepper fire her). She screeched at him, got offended easily, and her accent was starting to grate on his nerves. Plus, she didn’t think he was cute.  
  
And that was unforgivable.  
  
But when he found out she could do advanced mathematics in her head, he knew that he was keeping her no matter how annoying she could be. The first time Pepper had presented her to him in R&D as his new PA, Donna had told him that she could type 100 words per minute as though that was her proudest accomplishment. He almost threw her out right there. But then she looked at the holographic calculations for an upgrade to the Iron Man suit and told him that the numbers were off and pointed out the flaw. He couldn’t push Pepper out the door fast enough so he could spend time alone with his new math-buddy. He always had a thing for geniuses. Donna was his math-buddy, Bruce was his science-bro, Rhodey was his let’s-figure-out-how-to-make-shit-explode-friend, and Pepper was his everything-girlfriend. Not many thought of Pepper as a genius, but she understood people the way he understood physics, something that Tony always wished he had a better handle on.  
  
Donna was more like him, though, and he didn’t know how to react to that sometimes. It was like looking into a weird, distorted funhouse mirror. She was loud, brash, and unapologetic. She also came with her own baggage and issues of self-worth. He had been floored when he had asked her why she hadn’t gone to MIT or whatever the British alternative was and she told him she wasn’t smart enough. He’d always known he was smart; it was the one thing he could cling to whenever he found himself drinking alone and feeling like the failure his father always told him he was. So, he decided he was going to keep her the way he kept Bruce and Pepper and Rhodey. Even when he wanted to strangle her.  
  
There was a knock on the door and Steve entered. A smug grin bloomed across his face as he took in Tony's new office. “I heard Pepper kicked you out of the executive suite and claimed it as her own.”  
  
“Pepper is an imperialist and she invaded the sovereignty of my office,” Tony answered back.  
  
“She said she would have let it him keep it if he bothered to show up more than once a month,” Donna said with a flirtatious smile as she went to stand next Steve. Close. Her not-insubstantial chest was brushing up against him. “Is there anything I can get you, Captain Rogers? Coffee? I can make a mean expresso.” She didn’t even bother to look him in the face. Her eyes were transfixed on his bulging biceps.  
  
The mention of coffee stirred up the bitter, caffeine-deprived part of his brain. He pulled out the flask in the drawer of his desk and poured a little something extra into his tea. There was no way he was drinking that shit straight. “Oh, Captain Rogers, what a big package you have. Let me bend down and pick up this pen,” he muttered into his cup as he took a sip.  
  
“OY! Shut it, Superboy!”  
  
“That’s okay, Donna,” Steve said. His face was a brilliant scarlet. “I just wanted to drop this off.”  
  
He placed a SHIELD folder on his desk and said, “I’ll see you at 18:00.” And then he was out of the door.

Tony swiveled his chair away from Donna and picked up the folder to thumb through it. Yadda, yadda, yadda, Fury wants new shiny Stark equipment, blah blah blah, British intelligence being all secretive. Tony nearly laughed at that. Apparently, the thought of another foreign government agency being able to hide a secret mission from SHIELD was enough to send them in a tantrum. Pot meet kettle.  
  
“Mickey’s here with the car to take you to your meeting with Wayne Enterprises.”  
  
Tony groaned. “She takes my office, she takes my driver. What else of mine does she have?”  
  
“I'm fairly certain she keeps your bollocks in the top drawer of her desk.”  
  
Tony swung his chair back around and pointed at Donna. “Good one, but I’m afraid points will have to be deducted because of your use of stupid British words. It’s balls, Donna. BALLS!”  
  
“We English invented this language,” Donna replied. “We can call your testicles anything we like. Now, move! Mickey’s waiting!”  
  
“I’m scared he’ll forget he’s in America and drive on the wrong side of the road,” Tony complained as Donna pushed him out of the door. “What’s with you Brits anyway? You seem to popping out of the woodwork these days.”  
  
“It’s a takeover. We’re going back to the good ol’ days of the British Empire. Only we’re doing it subtly this time.”  
  
Donna dragged him through the lobby and out of the door, nearly shoving him headfirst into the sleek car waiting outside. “Employer abuse!” Tony screamed as he landed into the backseat. He looked up to see Mickey’s dark eyes staring at him from the rearview mirror. His driver was laughing at him. Great. “Take me to that… meeting… place… thing… that I’m supposed to be going to.”  
  
“Don’t worry, sir,” Mickey replied. “I know where I’m going.”  
  
Tony leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, never noticing that Mickey drove them straight out of the city and into the country.

 

* * *

 

Tony was going to throw up. He had had enough hangovers in his life to know when there was about to be imminent vomit. This didn’t feel like a hangover, however. This felt more like waking up delirious in a hospital. That was another sensation Tony was all too familiar with.  
  
“Mr. Stark? I need you to open your eyes.”  
  
It was a British accent, a bit classier sounding than Donna’s or Mickey’s. As he slowly became aware of his surroundings Tony realized that he was lying on his side, a woman’s dark hand was up his shirt, buttons askew, pressing a stethoscope all around the arc reactor in an attempt to listen to his heartbeat. He should tell her that it was a lost cause. He would too as soon as he figured out how to work his tongue.  
  
“He shouldn’t be having this reaction. Do you know if he drank any alcohol today? Alcohol shouldn’t be mixed with sedatives.”  
  
“How should I know? Although since this Tony Stark we should assume the answer is yes.”  
  
That was Mickey. It took several seconds for Tony’s brain to catch up with what had just been said. Mickey had slipped him a roofie. How? Had it already been in his cup when he drank it?  
  
He felt the woman push him onto his back. Tony thought his eyes might be open but he couldn’t see anything if they were. He was getting sleepy again. “He’s breathing is too shallow. Go get a respirator. I’ll start giving him mouth-to-mouth.”  
  
Great. He was about to pass out right before the mysterious woman kissed him. She sounded kind of hot too.

 

* * *

 

The next time Tony came to he found himself handcuffed to a chair. Sitting in front of him was a woman, her white lab coat identifying her as a doctor of some kind. “Hello, Mr. Stark. I’m Dr. Martha Jones.”  
  
He recognized that voice. Damn, she _was_ hot and he had missed the whole make-out session.  
  
“You know if you wanted to tie me up all you had to do was ask. I’m pretty much up for anything,” Tony joked. She looked mildly amused by that and decidedly non-homicidal, which was a plus in Tony’s book.  
  
“Oh God, I got enough of this with Captain Jack.”  
  
Tony turned his head around to see Mickey standing there in a black military-style uniform wielding a _very_ large gun. Now that he was looking around he could see that Mickey wasn’t the only one sporting this look. He appeared to be in a barn and there had to be at least a dozen of these strange military men.  
  
Tony narrowed his eyes as he took in the gun Mickey was holding. It looked a lot like the one Coulson had shot Loki with. “So, what do you guys want exactly?” Tony demanded. “Tech? Information? Sex slave? Because if that’s what you’re looking for I might be up for that.”  
  
Dr. Jones giggled as Mickey groaned. “Lay off the wife, Stark,” he growled.  
  
“This is a simple exchange,” Dr. Jones explained. “We give you back to SHIELD for one of our own. No one has to get hurt.”  
  
“Unless they want to get hurt,” Mickey mumbled darkly.  
  
Tony ignored the threat and cocked an eyebrow at the woman in front of him. “I didn’t realize SHIELD currently had any prisoners in their possession. Fury must be hiding them behind his eyepatch. Who are you people anyway? MI6?”  
  
He could hear the other soldiers burst out laughing at that as Dr. Jones gave him a wry smile. “Not quite,” she explained. “We’re UNIT- Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Primarily based in the UK, we’re Earth’s second-line of defense against alien threats.”  
  
“Second-line? What’s the first?” Tony asked without thinking, before his brain suddenly caught up with everything. “Wait a minute. Those guns? Those are alien tech aren’t they? Did you steal them from us or did SHIELD steal them from you?”  
  
“SHIELD is *always* trying to get their hands on our tech,” Mickey explained. “Our weapons, our contacts, and – most importantly – our people. Well, one person in particular.”  
  
A soldier popped inside before Tony could get any more information. “They’re here.”  
  
Tony watched as Fury and Captain America waltzed inside with Donna Noble and a UNIT military escort trailing behind them. Donna's eyes were wide with fear at the drawn guns surrounding them. He could see Cap’s clenched jaw as he looked him over, checking for bruises and other signs of torture; messing with his team was always a sure fire way of getting on Captain America’s bad side.  
  
“What’s going on?” Donna demanded, her voice shrill and frightened. “I swear if it’s about those parking tickets-“  
  
“Donna, it’s okay,” Dr. Jones said soothingly as she stood up.  
  
Donna narrowed her eyes at the other woman as she scowled deeply. “I know you,” she said. “You look familiar. Ouch.” Donna rubbed her forehead as a look of confusion and concentration passed over her face. “It was a giant wasp,” she muttered. “They all fall down.”

If Tony hadn’t been tied down he would have jumped a foot into the air as Donna suddenly let loose a pained cry and doubled over, clutching her head like something was trying to get out. Steve immediately rushed over to help her, only for their guards to take aim at his chest. Steve lifted his hands and backed up a few steps looking tormented at thought of being helpless in the face of a person in need.  
  
“Quick!” Dr. Jones ordered. “Give her a sedative before it kills her!”  
  
Tony watched as one of the soldiers readied a needle and stuck it into Donna’s neck. Within moments she collapsed into his arms and he pulled her into a waiting black van that sat parked outside of the barn. “What happened? Is she going to be alright?” Tony asked.  
  
Dr. Jones nodded. “She’ll be fine now that the sedative has kicked in. She probably won’t even remember being brought here. Of course, things could have been so much worse, but then as long as you got the information you wanted I suppose it would have all been worth it, right Director Fury?” Her voice was cold and threatening. For the first time Tony realized that this Martha Jones character could be dangerous.  
  
Fury scowled at her. “She took the job of her own free will.” He said it as if that explained everything.  
  
Tony felt something cold take hold of the pit of his stomach. He didn’t like the idea of SHIELD deliberately placing his math-buddy in harm’s way. “What?” He asked. “What do you mean by that?”  
  
“Donna Noble holds certain classified information locked away in her bran,” Martha explained. “However, remembering it will kill her. SHIELD lured her to America, presented her resume to the CEO of your company – spiced up to make her more appealing, of course –“  
  
“That explains why she listed the Queen as one of her references,” Tony mumbled.  
  
“And then began monitoring her to see if they couldn’t gleam any information. How am I doing, Director Fury? Did I get everything right?”  
  
Fury looked completely unapologetic. “No, that’s the gist of it.”  
  
Martha smiled at the Director. It was like looking at Natasha when she tried to look ‘sweet’. “Good. Now let me explain something to you. From what my agents have told me you’ve got your own alien friend now, so quit trying to capture ours. You leave my people alone or we’ll just have take one of yours.” The good doctor patted Tony on the shoulder to illustrate her point. “Understood?”  
  
“Perfectly.”  
  
“Can someone untie me now?” Tony asked plaintively.


End file.
